Oh, how I miss my little bloggy when I'm away from it! I'm not even going to say that I'm going to get back into it regularly. I would love to. My heart wants to be here, but my body and brain are tired. The Lord is working in me right now. My heart is changing. I have a pain, a hunger, and a peace that I can't explain. I have been praying for a long time to find His will for me...praying that He would show me what kind of wife, mother, friend, that He designed me to be. He is giving me the desires of my heart, showing me the joy of being in His will. Some things I have often thought about, but dismissed them because I knew that they couldn't be. Now, they have revealed themselves to me so clearly and forcefully that I really don't know what to do but pray. Others have surprised me. Things that have not been important to me, but should have been, are constantly on my mind. Things that I once thought I had to control are no longer important to me.
I have spent so much of my life trying to control things myself rather than trusting my Savior and my husband to guide me and do what's best for me. I didn't trust them to take care of me, and not leave me. I didn't know how a Godly relationship/marriage was supposed to be. At a fairly young age, I developed my own ideas about how a relationship should be (thanks to soap operas that I shouldn't have been watching at that age anyway), and I'm not sure if I ever really thought about God's role. I'm not blaming soap operas altogether, im just saying that at a young age, that is where I found the picture of a relationship. I was very hurt when reality settled in, and my relationship with my hubby wasn't like the perfect love I had imagined. While my hurt and fear were very real to me, the distrust (which was also disrespect) fostered frequent, emotionally dramatic episodes (totally embarrassing when I think about it now). I created a wall, hardened my heart, and let it become bitter. I don't want to be bitter anymore. I love my husband. I need my husband. I want my husband. I want him to feel these same things for me. I can't go back, but I can embrace the changes that the Holy Spirit has infused in my heart and mind in hope of restoring the brokenness in my life. I'm so grateful for His grace, mercy and love.
The Lord has made it very clear to me that to facilitate restoration, I must let go of regret, resentment, and bitterness. I must humbly forgive, and ask for forgiveness. I must put my husband's needs above my own, and put my relationship with Christ even before my husband's needs. I must cultivate my inner beauty by serving the Lord, studying His word, praying, listening, and obeying.
Oh, yes, My Redeemer is at work. I am changing. My heart is softening. I am finding my heart's desire and His fingerprints are all over it.
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