"Faith Like a Child"

This post is kind of all over the place, just like my thoughts. I'm in a long season of refinement. I've been unable to truly be at peace and enjoy life without constantly reminding myself that, at any moment, the hammer will likely fall and hurt me to the core if I'm not on guard. I've conditioned myself to "snap out of it" if I get too comfortable or find myself enjoying life. After all, we know from John 16:33 that we don't get a free pass here, but one day everything will be ok. Plus, any of this earthly trouble pales in comparison to what Jesus went through for me, so how can I even entertain my silly worries. Still, I long for the PEACE mentioned in that verse.

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Charity Gayle sings "I just wanna speak the name of Jesus over every heart and every mind, 'cause I know there is peace within your presence. I speak Jesus. I just wanna speak the name of Jesus, over fear and all anxiety". Anointed lyrics continue with "break every stronghold" and "Jesus in the darkness over every enemy."  These lyrics were written for me to hear at this very time.

The Lord has been calling me to run to Him. He's tugging my heart and using songs like "I Speak Jesus" and "Run to the Father" to speak to me.  I know it and feel it. It's overwhelming to face him with those strongholds of fear, anxiety, and sometimes, apathy. Those things have created a barrier between myself and The Lord. He must be so disappointed that I can't just get control of my mind and leave it all at his feet.

I've found myself praying  "God I know you CAN redeem this situation or this person, or I know you CAN heal this illness, I know you CAN deliver me from this anguish...but I understand that you probably won't, because I don't deserve relief from the pain. Why am I even praying anyway?" Even so, I keep trying to talk to him. I'm calling out to him, speaking the name of Jesus, but I'm not sure he hears.  Maybe I'm not saying the right words? I know people who have prayed earnest prayers for years and those prayers were not answered the way they had hoped. Maybe they were not asking right either? These thoughts are always in my head. Always. They never let go.

 

Why do I keep worrying about this stuff? I'm not supposed to worry. Why can't I just let my worries go? I'm supposed to cast all my cares on him. So, my prayers began to include a caveat, spoken out loud or not:  "Well, if you want to, can you maybe try to help me (or this other person) out here, God? I mean, I know you don't have to, and it's probably not a big deal to you...and you might not have time...and I know others have worse problems than me...and I know you're probably tired of hearing me whine...but it would be great if you could...but I know your will is what will come to pass, so it really doesn't matter that I'm even asking."

The enemy wants me to believe that if I keep reminding myself that just because He CAN doesn't mean He WILL, I won't be hurt or caught off guard, you know?  So, again,  I allow those and more intrusive thoughts to rudely interrupt my quiet time and my overall relationship with Jesus. The attack continues: "Why am I even praying? God knows about all of this and He knows what's going to happen and how He wants it to turn out, and it's probably not the way I want it to turn out, so I should just stop pleading."  Cue tears of hopelessness and worthlessness.

A few weeks ago, I was in the middle of this very cycle and when the tears started, I heard very clearly "FAITH LIKE A CHILD". Oh. Yea. I forgot about that, but that's really hard. Childlike faith? To ask boldly with 100% trust and faith that it will be given?  I mean, I'm an adult that knows better, right?

I realized that my prayers have been weak, not because of what I'm asking, but because of the poor posture of my heart when I pray.  I've been pleading for help, but with little faith.  Matthew 18:3-5 shows us that when we do not humble ourselves and approach the throne with the uninhibited faith of a child, we cannot be in his presence. 

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I haven't been welcoming him to me, to my prayers, to speak to my heart, and to ask him as a child would welcome and ask him.  I haven't humbled myself before him. Holy cow, I've been trying to outsmart HIM!!  YIKES! My "clever" caveat was actually full-fledged DOUBT that He would take care of me. I was just preparing myself that He won't answer my prayers. Gosh, Father, forgive me.  

Of course, I know that this revelation doesn't mean that all of my prayers will be answered the way I want.  It's not about my getting what I want.  It's about me trusting Him with a heart that's postured to ask with the faith He deserves.

Still Finding Fingerprints, 

Ugh. Feb. 14.

I'm not against love. I just don't like being told on a certain day that I have to tell people I love that I do by buying candy or flowers for them.  I just think it's something that should be LIVED every day.  Not every day candy and flowers, but everyday showing those you love that they are loved, treasured, and appreciated...not just on Feb. 14.  Hubby and I don't do anything for each other, and we don't even utter the words "HVD" to each other.  However, I do have the two sweetest kiddos ever.  They do tell me and show me everyday that they love me (not that they have to), and I hope they think I do the same for them.  They are my little thoughtful gift givers, though, so this evening, they each gave me a sweet and thoughtful gift.

Connor knows his mama's favorite chocolate!  I love that he knows that.  Impressive for a 14 year-old boy if you ask me.  I hope someday he will be as astute when it comes to his bride (well, in say, 15-20 years). My sweet boy.  Claire and I have been listening to the song "Let it Go" from Frozen and I have just been in awe of Idina Menzel's voice. Sweet girl had her daddy go to several different places to find this full soundtrack so we could listen in the car and sing together.  Normally, I would have just downloaded from iTunes, but this case is really so pretty, and I'm glad she got it for me.  So sweet that she wanted to get me something that we could enjoy together.  

They are my earthly treasures.  I tell them often, "If God had let me pick any little boy/girl to be my son/daughter, I would pick you!"  No question. EVERY TIME. 

Love those fingerprints!

Kellie

Negative for flu. Positive for strep.

Yay!!  No flu! So grateful.  This flu is awful, and I was terrified Claire might have it. However, my girl has strep.  Whew...and Ugh.  Cephalexin ( bc she's allergic to penicillin) for 10 days.  She's actually feeling ok and is playing Disney Infinity with her dad right now.  Connor had his flu vaccine yesterday and he's feeling a bit sore.  I'm just feeling blah and tired. Claire couldn't go to church, so Eddie stayed home with her.  I took Connor to Sunday School and I planned to go, but ended up staying in the car instead.  Yep.  I'm a heathen.   

So, I'm taking the day to get ready for the rat-race that is my life.  The going everywhere and never getting anywhere.  

I'm really ready for summer vacation.

Trying to find fingerprints,

Kellie

Overwhelmed, Humbled, Loved, and Grateful

This post's title is how I feel right now.  The Secret Sister reveal party was this evening.  I finally had the privilege of meeting the sweet lady for whom I've been praying and sending small gifts to for the past year.  She's so sweet and fun, and has such a beautiful heart for Jesus!  I'm very grateful that I got to meet her and her sweet daughter. 

My SS (the one who has ministered to me for the past year) is also an incredible woman of God.  She sent me awesome goody baskets with yummy treats and wonderful, devotional books, plus thoughtful notes and cards throughout the year. I was always so excited when there was something with my name on the drop-off table.  She gave me more goodies tonight in a cool basket! My favorite candy bar, a gift card to Olive Garden, and a bible cover that she made herself are among the gifts in the basket. However, my heart was not prepared for her final gift to me.  My sweet SS, that didn't even know me until tonight kept a journal for me all year. It is full of scriptures, encouraging words, beautiful doodles, prayers, handmade bookmarks, and notes from the "Further Still" women's ministry meetings that she leads.  She read her last entry out loud at the party and I knew it was for me before she ever said my name.  I wept.  All of her words are handwritten, and boy, did she ever take a lot of her time to create this special gift for me! I can't even imagine how much time she put into writing it.  She wrote in 1/2 of the journal and encourages me to finish it.   I will treasure this book always.  I started reading some of it tonight.  I get weepy even thinking about her love, faithfulness, and obedience.  What a treasure I have found that journal, and in my new friend, who so lovingly created it just for me!

Keep looking for fingerprints, 

Kellie

A Snowy Start

We woke up this morning to this pretty sight:

We enjoyed another day of just hanging out at home. C &C just hung out with their friends until they went home.   I felt like Cher in that movie "Mermaids", because I didn't cook any real meals today.  We just had appetizers all day! Ha! We had sausage balls, pizza dip, hamburger sliders, rice Krispy treats, and popcorn.  Really. That is what I fed my family today. Mom of the year?? Probably not.  

Anyway, the feeling of impending doom hits me in the face everytime I think about going back to work Monday.  It's like a heavy lump in the pit of my tummy. I can't shake it.  I can't pray it away.  It feels awful.  :-(. 

I'm going to be productive tomorrow somehow, some way, and hope that makes me feel better. For now, I'm sitting  in the bed watching Rehab Addict.  Eddie is in the den watching the Sugar Bowl.  The kiddos are upstairs.  I'm going to tuck them in and it's lights out for me. 

Goodnight!

Wishing you lots of fingerprints, 

Kellie 

2014-Day One.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!  I just thought I would start the year off with a simple post. We just spent the day at home.  Plan to do the same tomorrow.  Claire and Connor have friends over right now.  Claire and her friend Tettybea, are having a blast making videos and creating raps with an iPod app.  Connor and Luke are just playing boring Xbox.  The hubs and I are sitting in the den watching the ID channel.  Wild times, I tell ya.

I'm looking forward to what remains of my short and hectic Christmas break. Excited and nervous about the next few months at school.  There are so many things I want to do, but I haven't sorted out my plans yet.  I really should start that right away.  Yep, I'll do that.  Um hmm, I really will.  Later.


Keep looking for fingerprints,

My First and Last Post of 2013...so it's VERY LOOOOOOOOONNNNNGGGG!

"For I know the plans I have for you", declares the Lord. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  Jeremiah 29: 11-12

2013 was not a blogging year for me.  Oh, I had thoughts, words, great times, not-so-great times, and made lots of memories.  I just had no motivation to record them.  This has been a strange year.  It started out with my declaration that I was going to get healthy if it killed me, and I knew I had to do something drastic to make it happen. It has ended with the past few months being some of the most stressful of my life, but included some great rewards as well.

In February, I took the encouragement of a friend, and began CrossFit (CF). I was scared to death and excited!  I knew from the end of the fundamentals class that that CrossFit was what I need.  I just started going 2 days per week and believe me, that was enough.  CrossFit=TOUGH!  Things were going great!  I was really paying attention to what I ate, and my mind was beginning to make big ideas about how changing my diet could really enhance what CF was doing for my body. I hated every second of the WOD, and loved every second after it was over.  I amazed myself every time I finished.  I couldn't believe the stuff I was doing.   Now, I hadn't lost a single pound, but I was getting so strong!  I had muscles in places I hadn't seen in years.  I could walk up stairs and walk longer distances without being out of breath.  My times on WODs were improving, my abilities to complete those WODs without as much scaling was, too.  Not drastically, but enough that I could see clearly what a blessing CF was. I was definitely on the verge of making some drastic diet/nutrition changes, and increasing my WODs per week to 3 or 4.  Then, it happened.

Eddie told me that he really wanted me to go back to work for the upcoming school year. WAAAAHHHHH!!!  The same friend that encouraged me to start CF told me about a job at the school where her children attend.  It was a Media Specialist/Reading Specialist position in a private Christian school.  I applied, interviewed, and didn't get the job.  Then, I interviewed for an Office Assistant/Library Assistant position in the school where Connor and Claire attend.  I didn't get that one either.  However, I did not know that the Media Specialist from Connor and Claire's school sent my resume to an Instructional Supervisor in the same school district.  While we were at the beach, I got an email from her requesting an interview for a Media Specialist position split between two schools.  I interviewed, and felt ok about how it went.  After a couple weeks went by, I didn't hear from her, so I assumed I didn't get that one either. While my heart still wanted to be at home, I knew it was important to Eddie that I work, and I became pretty discouraged.  Eddie had assured me that it would be fine if I stayed home another year, but we agreed that I would continue to look for another teaching position, or possibly explore some different career options. Then, it happened again.  Seriously, like the day after we talked about my staying home again.  No kidding.

I was in Wal-Mart with the kiddos, and I got a phone call from the principal at a school that I had only heard of in a list of schools in the same school district of my CC's and CW's school requesting an interview for a last-minute Media Specialist position at his school.  My heart dropped. We arranged an interview date and time.

On the day of the interview, I woke up in plenty of time. I was ready to leave about 20 minutes before I needed to, and headed to my car.  When I got in the car, I heard my cat meowing...loudly.  It wasn't her usual meow, but a meow like I had only heard from her once before when she was bitten by a copperhead and we had to take her to the animal ER. (Yes, we really took a pet to an emergency room, but that's another story.)  Anyway, I knew this meow was a sign of distress.  I started looking for her and found her stuck in the engine under the hood of my car.  Geesh!  Didn't she know that I had a very important interview???  The kiddos helped me get her out completely unharmed and glad to be free, and I headed out on the messy, rainy roads for my interview that was 35 minutes away.  I thought I would be ok, until I got stuck behind a piece of farming equipment that could barely go 1/4 of the speed limit and took up BOTH LANES!!!  How was I supposed to pass?  How could I make it on time to this interview on time????  I can't be late!!  Being late for a job interview is unacceptable! I finally made it to the school, but couldn't figure out where to park, so I finally went to the front and park, even though there is no other car there.  My interview was at 10:00...it's 10:02...and in the chaos of the cat in the engine thing, I forgot to grab my umbrella.  I look more like a wet dog than a viable candidate for a job teaching children.  Oh, I know I've blown it. Or have I? 

SHOCKER ALERT:  I was offered the job on the spot. Seriously.  Since I had already been interviewed once by a member of the central office staff and she had already spoken to the Superintendent and Principal on my behalf.  Granted, it's one month before school starts and I'm sure they were pretty desperate to fill the position, but I try not to think about that.  I prayed over it, and thought about it, and fought with it for a week, and finally accepted the job.  I mean, was not accepting it ever really an option?  I was offered on the spot, a job for which I didn't even apply, and arrived 2 minutes late looking like a wet dog? When does that happen??  I'll tell you when.  When He carries out HIS PLANS for you.  That's when.  It had to be Him.  FINGERPRINTS!

The day I accepted, my principal informed  me that I needed to go to TN Core training for 3 days beginning the next day.  Since that day in early July, it's been a whirlwind.  This new job has been EXTREMELY challenging, as I've had to dig deep within myself to remember being a Gen Ed teacher.  Yes, I am the Media Specialist, but I'm teaching standards, and very little library skills. I'm being evaluated using the General Ed rubric.   I'm planning like I've never had to plan before, because I'm teaching K-8th Grades.  Oh, my, after 15 years teaching nothing over 3rd grade, I'm in a K-8 school. Whoa.  I've cried a lot.  I didn't sleep from August - October, and my hair is still falling out.  I bombed my first observation. On top of all this, some of our dearest friends moved to Texas.  Rough start.  It hasn't been all bad though. I've made some wonderful friends in my new co-workers. My second observation was much better, because I finally released the fear and worry, and relaxed a little--just a little.  I'm finally finding my teaching niche again, and I'm enjoying that.  Plus,  I'm even warming up to those scary 5th-8th graders. :)  Oh, and being a financial contributor to our household is also satisfying. 

This Christmas break has been nice.  I've enjoyed being with my children and hubby.  We had fun visiting with family. Decorations have been put away. House is getting back in order, and I'm "gettin' my blog on" this New Year's Eve.   Now, I'm ready (even though I sure have enjoyed being home for Christmas) to dig my heels in, finish this school year strong, and LIVE out everything that comes my way in 2014.

Keep looking for fingerprints,

Kellie