"Faith Like a Child"

This post is kind of all over the place, just like my thoughts. I'm in a long season of refinement. I've been unable to truly be at peace and enjoy life without constantly reminding myself that, at any moment, the hammer will likely fall and hurt me to the core if I'm not on guard. I've conditioned myself to "snap out of it" if I get too comfortable or find myself enjoying life. After all, we know from John 16:33 that we don't get a free pass here, but one day everything will be ok. Plus, any of this earthly trouble pales in comparison to what Jesus went through for me, so how can I even entertain my silly worries. Still, I long for the PEACE mentioned in that verse.

 “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.”

Charity Gayle sings "I just wanna speak the name of Jesus over every heart and every mind, 'cause I know there is peace within your presence. I speak Jesus. I just wanna speak the name of Jesus, over fear and all anxiety". Anointed lyrics continue with "break every stronghold" and "Jesus in the darkness over every enemy."  These lyrics were written for me to hear at this very time.

The Lord has been calling me to run to Him. He's tugging my heart and using songs like "I Speak Jesus" and "Run to the Father" to speak to me.  I know it and feel it. It's overwhelming to face him with those strongholds of fear, anxiety, and sometimes, apathy. Those things have created a barrier between myself and The Lord. He must be so disappointed that I can't just get control of my mind and leave it all at his feet.

I've found myself praying  "God I know you CAN redeem this situation or this person, or I know you CAN heal this illness, I know you CAN deliver me from this anguish...but I understand that you probably won't, because I don't deserve relief from the pain. Why am I even praying anyway?" Even so, I keep trying to talk to him. I'm calling out to him, speaking the name of Jesus, but I'm not sure he hears.  Maybe I'm not saying the right words? I know people who have prayed earnest prayers for years and those prayers were not answered the way they had hoped. Maybe they were not asking right either? These thoughts are always in my head. Always. They never let go.

 

Why do I keep worrying about this stuff? I'm not supposed to worry. Why can't I just let my worries go? I'm supposed to cast all my cares on him. So, my prayers began to include a caveat, spoken out loud or not:  "Well, if you want to, can you maybe try to help me (or this other person) out here, God? I mean, I know you don't have to, and it's probably not a big deal to you...and you might not have time...and I know others have worse problems than me...and I know you're probably tired of hearing me whine...but it would be great if you could...but I know your will is what will come to pass, so it really doesn't matter that I'm even asking."

The enemy wants me to believe that if I keep reminding myself that just because He CAN doesn't mean He WILL, I won't be hurt or caught off guard, you know?  So, again,  I allow those and more intrusive thoughts to rudely interrupt my quiet time and my overall relationship with Jesus. The attack continues: "Why am I even praying? God knows about all of this and He knows what's going to happen and how He wants it to turn out, and it's probably not the way I want it to turn out, so I should just stop pleading."  Cue tears of hopelessness and worthlessness.

A few weeks ago, I was in the middle of this very cycle and when the tears started, I heard very clearly "FAITH LIKE A CHILD". Oh. Yea. I forgot about that, but that's really hard. Childlike faith? To ask boldly with 100% trust and faith that it will be given?  I mean, I'm an adult that knows better, right?

I realized that my prayers have been weak, not because of what I'm asking, but because of the poor posture of my heart when I pray.  I've been pleading for help, but with little faith.  Matthew 18:3-5 shows us that when we do not humble ourselves and approach the throne with the uninhibited faith of a child, we cannot be in his presence. 

And he said: “Truly I tell you, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. Therefore, whoever takes the lowly position of this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoever welcomes one such child in my name welcomes me."

I haven't been welcoming him to me, to my prayers, to speak to my heart, and to ask him as a child would welcome and ask him.  I haven't humbled myself before him. Holy cow, I've been trying to outsmart HIM!!  YIKES! My "clever" caveat was actually full-fledged DOUBT that He would take care of me. I was just preparing myself that He won't answer my prayers. Gosh, Father, forgive me.  

Of course, I know that this revelation doesn't mean that all of my prayers will be answered the way I want.  It's not about my getting what I want.  It's about me trusting Him with a heart that's postured to ask with the faith He deserves.

Still Finding Fingerprints,